BRAINWORKS

My Post College, Post Cafeteria, Post Mom and Dad Making My...

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 12:26:26 -0500

My Post College, Post Cafeteria, Post Mom and Dad Making My Meals Recipes:

Breakfast:
Most say this is the most important meal of the day, but I have been more or less ignoring this since I was 10. Ugh, I am tired ok? I don’t want to eat fucking cereal and milk, and hey I’m probably running late because I stayed in bed until the last possible moment - so I will usually just get coffee wherever I end up. However there are a few exceptions to this; most notably when I’m just hanging around the house in my basketball shorts and it happens to be morning and I happen to be hungover and starving- but rats! there’s hardly anything in the fridge. But I always come up with something…

Sauce Bread:
Ingredients - (no utensils needed) 1 piece of stale bread that has been in the fridge for at least a month, one cold jar of Ragu, garlic powder
see where I’m going with this? Dip the bread directly into the jar, sprinkle with garlic powder and viola! A gourmet breakfast for one- and who says cooking for yourself is hard?

Lunch:
If I can help it I will NEVER, EVER make this meal for myself. The best part of my day is going to the deli or coffee shop to get a sub, quesadilla, bagel - what have you- and enjoying it by myself with a good book and maybe my sister if she isn’t annoying me that day. It is almost never healthy and I like to make this one count, so that maybe I don’t have to eat much or any dinner. Which I know sounds totally rexic’ to say and believe me I DO love eating- but having to do it 2-3 times a day, every day, feels like a chore -one best to get over with. I think its french or something to eat like this. (*I would prob be a lot skinnier if this actually held any water, running a lot means eating a lot - fact of life) But I digress, I DO make a mean sandwich and am really good at opening bags of chips.

Salami Sandwich
Ingredients: Hard roll, hard salami (as if there any other kind worth eating, right guys?), the oldest sharpest cheese money can buy, sliced red -uncooked onion, spicy mustard, horseradish. Arrange however you like - but there should be a good proportion of meat to cheese.
The beauty of a good sandwich is that it isn’t rocket science, but when done right it can blow you out of this world (hazaaa!). I don’t really want to get into waxing poetic about my sandwiches, but this one is fucking awesome- trust. Please note that this is a single ladies sandwich, I’m not sure making out right after or within days of consumption is like. really sexy - but I was a lucky girl once and it’s actually my ex that I’m ripping this recipe off of - so you know, anything is possible I guess. Dill pickles on the side is key-

Dinner:
I seriously hate cooking just for myself, its like if a tree fell in the woods with no one around to hear it, who gives a fuck if it ate dinner? So I tend not to make a big deal out of this necessary evil - and mostly try and stave it off until I have the opportunity to drink a beer (eating is counter productive to my bar tab) and get the free pizza / cheap wing deal that seems to be going on in my neighborhood like. every night of the week. But a lady is never without a few tricks up her sleeve, and being prepared to whip up a treat for herself or guests (ha) is always a good thing.

Taco Cheese Sandwich
Ingredients: stale white bread (sensing a trend?), taco cheese that you’re afraid to check the expiration date of, and mayonnaise…that you’re also too afraid to check the expiration date.
Hear me out on this, something magical happened when I was scrounging the fridge and I came up with this little treat - it was no.joke. delicious, I am kicking myself for not coming up with it before. I think pepperoni and maybe some hot sauce could do this some justice, but lets not get too crazy. Spicy cheese, mayo, bread? This is a winning combination.

I know it might be weird that I have 2 sandwiches in my mini cookbook and almost nothing else, but lets be real. This can only weird to you if you are reading my blog and have never met me. If god existed I would thank him EVERY FUCKING DAY for the earl of sandwich or whoever that dude was in the Sesame Street cartoon that got sick of eating ham with his hands. sandwiches are the shit- And yeah, this might be a total brag post about my sweet culinary skills - but don’t worry; everyone’s invited to dinner.

Things That I Am Thankful For (yes I realize this is like, 2...

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 16:06:25 -0500

Things That I Am Thankful For (yes I realize this is like, 2 weeks late):

My ability to eat a lot of food. Some say its a gift, others - a curse, all I know is that Thanksgiving is when my talents can really shine and I got like 6 winds last thursday AND miraculously was still able to get drunk off of 3 bud lights. THANKS GOD

My mom surprise visiting me. I didn’t have to cook the turkey all by myself (…or at all) and whats better than your mom waking you up with a “honey are you awake? I got you coffee, black, just like you like it”. answer: nothing.

People who say copacetic; not ironically, and correctly. A really old security guard said this at the museum the other day and I wanted to shake his hand. Sir- you are delightful.

Taylor Laughtner. Ok, ok- maybe I thought he was lame in the first movie because of his shit eating grin, dorky long hair, and the fact that he is like. 16 - but I was SO WRONG. I will break laws for him. After his character Jacob decided he did not need to wear anything other than cut off shorts and attitude- I was a goner. His body is so so so amazing it converted me from not particularly liking buff dudes (marine gone to seed is more my style) to constantly changing the desktop at work to shirtless pictures of him in the rain (what? YES) and obsessing over what it would be like to touch his arms. I mean, whats not to love in a guy that will immeditaly disrobe at the smallest sight of blood (ouch..papercut). I want to have sex with a teenager.

Buy backs. What a great idea! You have to spend to save and I have saved MILLIONS. special thanks to Charles at the Pencil Factory and Katie at Lulu’s for making this happen.

My bed. So many pillows so cuddly warm heaven on earth comfy cozy with my bobby and puffy (don’t ask). Its good for sleeping, reading, eating, tv watching, and ….other things. Which are all my favorite! (and probably in that order which is kind of sad) I miss it when I’m away-

Modern/Contemporary Art, particularly when viewed with Dan Boardman. High fiving over painting (and finding work worthy of said high fives) is really, really fun. And if you get really drunk in a “club” in downtown Minneapolis and watch secretaries take off their heels while dancing to Prince?- well so much the better. life is art.

My hair. I think its the only reason anyone thinks I’m attractive, but that’s ok. Its (usually) AWESOME - I owe a lot to my donadio flowy locks.

My friends and family - d’uh, I love you guys.

My Real (honest) Statement of Intent, or rather, What I Wish I Could Submit As My Statement of...

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 19:34:00 -0500

My Real (honest) Statement of Intent, or rather, What I Wish I Could Submit As My Statement of Intent:

It is a funny thing being this age, 23 teetering on 24- its not very old and this is a fact most people seem to want to remind me of. Yes, in many ways I am still just a kid - I enjoy getting drunk and staying out way late and watching shitty tv and having naive sensibilities about what is right and wrong and how the world should work etc. etc…. I am not wan to admit that I am not exactly an original. What I am is a photographer and I am still (kind of) fresh out of college and struggling with all this “new responsibility” - a job and an apartment - which in many ways has been disappointingly easy - the hard part is the identity that comes with it. However it doesn’t matter what you’re doing right now, being this young means everyone seems to want to know what you are doing in 5 years - a question I have never really been able to answer and have certainly never been able to understand. Does a clear path of achievable goals spaced over a span of 5 years that life will almost certainly get in the way of and fuck up make you qualified for anything other than a reality check? Knowing what you want and actually getting it are two entirely different things, and the only way to track your success is through time - so how exactly do pipe dreams qualify me for the present? Its kind of a moot question because if I wanted to I could stay the course, work at the museum - pay for my apartment -accrue my benefits and retirement- and just live my life I guess. Its not rocket science and its certainly good enough for most people… however one does not usually want what one already has. But I still can’t really tell you what I’m going to be doing 5 years from now - I have no fucking idea what I want to be doing -but I can tell you what I would like to have done. By the time I’m 27 I would like to have completed my MFA from a reputable institution such as the ones I am applying to for the next year. I would like to be a working photographer with a growing career, and a comfortable member of my family who is finally at peace with everything that’s happened. I would like to have been or be in a relationship that is balanced and that I deserve, and a dog named bunny in an apartment big enough for all of us to be comfortable. And while we’re at it I would like a million dollars and time to travel far way places and read all I want and not worry about such silly things as self worth and body image. In short; in 5 years I want to be rich and famous and deliriously happy with myself and the world. There are a lot of things I want, but very few that I am confident that I can actually achieve. I am confident of my ability to kick ass in a grad program. I am confident that I will not only create work that I am proud of but challenge myself as an individual and an artist. I am confident that I have a lot of tough work ahead of me and things probably are going to get harder- not easier. I really don’t know what the future holds or what I’m going to be doing down the road (I will settle for just one of those many things in 5 years)- but I do know that there are some changes ahead and I do know what I want to be doing next year. Does this make me a grown up?

This grad school application stuff is driving me crazy.

Things that I am suffering from, or have suffered from, in the...

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 17:10:00 -0500

Things that I am suffering from, or have suffered from, in the past 30 days (I’m not in the best mood OK?):

2 colds. Not one, TWO. The first was fever madness where I spent my time convalescing in bed, sweating while eating roast beef sandwiches, and catching up on Grey’s; suffice to say it could have been worse. What I have now is a sore throat moved to sinuses moved to chest head achey sneezy monster that WONT GO AWAY. CAN I PLEASE STOP COUGHING?. CAN I PLEASE GET A FULL NIGHTS SLEEP?

Scrapped elbow - like I for serious scraped the shit out of my elbow, cut up my hands, and bruised my knees / ego. Usually I am a graceful swan whilst speeding through Brooklyn, but 2 weeks ago I fell while running and the concrete/subway grate (eck) scooped out like. a lot of skin. like more than has ever been scooped before. You can read previous posts detailing my treatment - but its been weeks and its still killing me. The plus side is that its pretty much guaranteed I am getting a sweet scar out of the deal, but it would be nice to put on a sweater without wincing and making that “ssssss” noise no one can help. Oh yeah and not looking like a leper would be cool too-

My knee is fucking up again. AGH FUCK. LIKE SERIOUSLY FUCK. not being able to run is the worst worst worst thing that can happen and after last year’s awesome 2 months of the elliptical and leg lifts and the doctors office and stupid knee brace thing and prescription anti-inflammatory I am so not excited to be back here again. However no way am I letting it get that far this time - but it is going to take a little break and over a 100 bones to get some new sneaks and a lot of ib profin. this is NOT COOL

Broken heart. Well not really, but yeah I guess kind of really. Definitely not a recent development, but the past month has been not exactly easy. Its just that this is taking FOREVER and it just. hurts. and yeah its been getting better but jeeze - can I be done already? In the words of Rhianna (I love that she said this to Diane Sawyer) “ef love”. SO yeah - I should probably start making more of an effort to actually date people… instead of the usual getting drunk at bars and whining to my sister about how little game I have (zero), and how I wish I was already old so that the hard parts could be over already (I am a really fun time). Here is my personal: Hello my name is Andrea and I like dogs and Stephen King and watching a ton of shitty tv in bed, I usually come off as an abrasive bitch but there is a cuddly bunny inside that still sleeps with her security blanket. sexy, right? DOOMED

I think I have a tumor on my back and it itches sometimes. TMI, right? I mean if the guys aren’t calling, SURELY the phone will be ringing off the hook after they read this. I should prob get it checked out, but why would I get rid of such an ice breaker when bikini season is so fucking boring.

I stubbed my toes at least 239847283947283947 times. Is it weird that I think of toe stubbing as the only real karma and/or proof of god? He hates me and shows me by making me trip over EVERY FUCKING THING IN MY HOUSE.

I think that’s it. Oh and I have eczema on my hand, but that’s my fault - and holiday season breeds low self image - but I think you guys might have caught that one already. so yeah - feel super bad for me because I feel super bad for me and HAVE A GREAT THANKSGIVING. I think I will come up with a list of things I am thankful for to balance out how pathetic this one is.

Reasons Why Having Your Dad Visit Rules:1. He laughs at all your...

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 11:23:52 -0500

Reasons Why Having Your Dad Visit Rules:

1. He laughs at all your jokes. Not only do you have the same sense of humor, he thinks you’re the funniest person he knows. (and he isn’t wrong, right guys!) We make fun of people for the same reasons (namely their looks), and make fun of each other more. I am my father’s daughter.

2. Its covered…. as in the bill. I think I spent like 8 bucks this past week, and 6 of those dollars was on a beer for my roommate (you’re welcome bob). Sometimes I would try and by polite/adult and reach for my wallet only to immediately be interrupted with a “don’t worry honey, I got this” YES. Nothing is better when you’re 23 and really poor living in an expensive city where you spend all your extra dough at the bar to get a visit from Daddy Warbucks. Yes I WILL get an appetizer AND an entree AND maybe a coffee after that AND lets go out for beers later-the sun is out. TODAY!

3. Not only does he love you, he’s proud of you too. Being the only offspring with a full time job with benefits and dental (Vanessa you really need to step it up), has its perks - mainly R.E.S.P.E.C.T. - my dad doesn’t even have one of those things! hazaaa!

4. An excuse to go to museums, which you love but you work at one so you’re kind of like. lazy about it. And also -going to a show with someone who doesn’t know anything about art fucking rules, they are very very excited at what they see and have probably never seen anything like it before. My dad keeps asking me questions about Damien Hurst (“that guy with the shark”) that we saw at the Met (“the thing at the Whitney”) and that sold for like 30 million dollars (“the one that cost a lot right?, email me his name so I can do research ok?”). We also saw this samurai sword thing which was kind of redundant - you see one blade you’ve seen them all- but he seemed really into it, the Robert Frank which was surprisingly GREAT ( the simple sequencing that correlates with the classic book was clever and just. enjoyable), and the Roni Horn which I loved…but he immediately walked out of to go see the Georgia O’Keefe. win some lose some.

5. Someone to gang up on your sister with, someone to make fun of when you gang up with your sister, someone who gangs up on you with your sister. In my family exists a viscous circle or ridicule (which I am admittedly at the center of) and it is usually always funny and only sometimes hurtful. My dad and I think of banter as a sport… my mother however, disagrees.

6. My friends think he’s cool. I don’t know why. JUST KIDDING MY DAD IS THE COOLEST

7. Dad’s are easy to talk to . Or at least I find it very easy to talk to my dad - and even though I don’t always ask for it, he’s ready with advice. It feels good when someone wants to help you.

8. He’s embarrassing. But its really, reallllllly endearing. Seriously, every place we went to he was like “This is my daughter she works at the MoMA and I’m visiting her” then he would ask what was good there and what they recommend (if it was a restaurant)(he ususally ended up ordering the same thing as me) or talk about the Tim Burton show and how I got him in when it was only in preview. I mean - I can live through this - its funny and cute. but just wait until he’s in a wheelchair and not able to stop me from cutting his hair and dressing him in embarrassing outfits. He already mixes up my name with my sisters, the clock is ticking.

9. Snacks. Meat snacks. Street meat snacks. Not only are we not too good for it. we LOVE IT - as in buy polish baby sausage to sustain us through out the day - eat it within the first hour - spend the rest of the day talking about how good it was - and then buy more to eat later. Best with mustard, I think I had at least a pound of kielbasa. like. every 24 hours.

10. He loves me, I love him. Its nice to spend time with the people you love.

Let me paint a little picture for you (I could not find a...

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 11:02:00 -0500

Let me paint a little picture for you (I could not find a picture of this on google image search).
You:
Walking down the dirty steps to the subway. You are on your way to somewhere that is hopefully not work, and maybe looking forward to said future destination. You do not like taking the train but it is a necessary evil, and you are not thinking of anything else other than maybe finding a place to lean so you can crack open your book and wait - you know - NO BIGGIE this is life ok? You turn your head, noticing a new subway ad and you are confronted with your WORST NIGHTMARE.
The poster ad is of a bagel tuna fish (italicised to simulate the sneer I would have if said out loud) sandwich with an iced tea in the background and some kind of catch phrase along the lines of “the rumbling you hear is not the oncoming train, its your stomach blah blah $3.99 we are Satan”

Seriously? this is SERIOUSLY HAPPENING? OH MY GOD FUCK YOU DUNKIN’ DONUTS. You used to be my favorite favorite if only for the fact that you are not Starbucks (working America vs yuppie America). But if you are honestly trying to push tuna fish sandwiches on the subway we are O-V-E-R, over.
The funny thing is. I love tuna fish, love it - I even eat that shit out of a can (kitties!) - but lets be real: not only does it really really smell, it looks like someone puked and put it between bread. It may be delicious, but it is like dark secret delicious- so much so that us fans have to pretend it is disgusting to live among our fellow man without persecution. So suffice to say there is an appropriate time to eat tunafish which is NOT on the subway and NOT in front of ANYONE ALMOST EVER. ok? It is not even cool to eat it in front of your roommate, let alone a crowded death box that careens through dark tunnels possibly [probably] populated by mutant rats. The next time I have tuna fish you will know that I am either really pissed at Bob and am using sandwich consumption as punishment, or I am married and have decided that mystery does not, in fact, matter. But I digress, the subway ALREADY smells. Can we PLEASE not make it worse, and for that matter lets NOT encourage ANY kind of eating on the trains - IT IS UNSANITARY AND SO SO SHIVER ME TIMBERS GROSS AND DISGUSTING, I am seriously fucking horrified by the prospect of having to deal with this on my already shitty commute. I mean, between the hobos and the close talking/standing and the sweating aren’t things bad enough? Do we REALLY have to make it more uncomfortable… and with fish of all things? So if any of you idiots EVER eats a tuna fish ANYTHING anywhere near me on the subway I will kill you. Like I am not kidding; I will fucking kill you. When they find the mangled body of the rube that is dumb enough to do this in my presence I am OK with the prosecution using this blog post to push the death penalty. I WILL HAVE NO REMORSE.

consider yourself warned.

ps. I found this: https://www.dunkindonuts.com/donut on my quest for the perfect image for this post and WOW. dunkin’ donuts you saucy bitch -this will totally take up HOURS of my work day and almost (but not quite) makes me feel better about this whole fiasco.

Ok. Not that I’ve really been looking… but I think I...

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 12:45:00 -0500

Ok. Not that I’ve really been looking… but I think I think I’ve discovered the single hardest thing you have to do as a grown up. It’s not moving out of your parents place, its not paying rent and dealing with your debt, or even working full time at a job that you’re not so hot on. No- the hardest thing to do is that when you get hurt, bringing yourself to put alcohol on your wounds. Cleaning off the blood and disinfecting it so it can heal, properly.It is the most immediate and intense and oh my fucking god painful downfall of having to take care of yourself and after the nasty spill I took this weekend I had 2 options:
1. Half ass it, put a band aide over it, forget about it. I’ve done this before and as a result I have some pretty interesting scars and been through a few painful infections- things got green, it wasn’t pretty.
2. Do it right. Sit in the bathroom for 10 minutes staring at the alcohol wipe while muttering “fuck fuck fuck” under my breath before finally taking the plunge and trying not to yell out loud.
The thing is you can’t just dab it. you have to WIPE it; like more than once, and no one is there to tell you to do it - its just you, yourself, alone with a painful job. And when you get sick (which I was earlier this week, its been a really fun 7 days) you have to take theraflu and drink EVERY LAST DISGUSTING DROP, not because its good (it is poison), but because its good for you. Even if pain is inevitable. So yeah- I finally did it, I gritted my teeth and swore and it really really hurt. And sure, I didn’t have to -but its just that I think I’m finally at the point in my life where I want to get better, completely and responsibly. For a lot of people this isn’t a milestone, but I never have been very good at taking care of myself, and never really have before. I’ve realized I have to do things and say things that really fucking hurt because if I don’t the wounds will get infected, fester, and I’ll never get better - or at the very least never really be the same. So even though it hurts like hell I feel ok. I’ve learned a lot of lessons this week and hopefully everything will heal up just fine.

I haven’t been writing in this a lot lately. I’ve...

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 14:52:00 -0500

I haven’t been writing in this a lot lately. I’ve been busy with work, Halloween, and my obsessive insecurities; but this week thanks to my Day Quill and other nice things I’m back! and as per requested - here is a really embarrassing list of my top albums of 2009! Now I realize these all didn’t come out this year (or even last year), but I have a habit of listening to the same thing over and over again until I am so super exhausted by it I never listen to it again - so there tends to be a big gap. Here is what I’ve been into lately so DEAL.

1. Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavilion (what is up with that name?)

I think this would make a lot of people’s favorite list for 2009 and I totally get why. At first I wasn’t that into it, the synth and everything was actually kind of intimidating - but I gave it a few trys and it eventually blew my mind. I listened to this almost exclusively on my runs in New Zealand and it was the BEST BEST BEST soundtrack for my weird video game like runs where you get chased by horses (or think you do) and run through rain forests and the beach and pastures and crazy fucking landscapes at night and alone. so awesome.

2. Kayne West -808s & Heartbreak

For the record I think Kayne is a fucking dick that should learn a little modesty and what it means to be a successful adult and the responsibilities that come with it- but his douchery doesn’t change the fact that “808s & Heartbreak” is fucking awesome. I haven’t read a lot about this album but I perceive it to be about how his mom died suddenly and tragically and then his gf from high school who he went with for YEARS dumped him - sending him into the arms of an alien lesbian stripper that doesn’t care if he gets super drunk on Hennessy and embarrasses young woman performers and then ends up believing he is GOD or some crazy shit like that. Am I rambling? The short story is I love the beats on this album and know the words to most of the, albeit melodramatic, songs and it is also super great to run to / dance to (in your apartment with your roommates cheering you on). I think, I think street lights is my favorite track.

3. RadioHead - In Rainbows

I don’t want to say too much about this, because I can gush FOREVER about my FAVORITE band (they are the only ones who I can say without a doubt that I have loved and listened to every album). I once listened to In Rainbows 4 times in a row when I was trying to get home from a date/show in Park Slope at 2 in the morning and was really tired and had to take like 3 different trains and it was just . perfection. Every time I listen to this album I find new things I like about it, and whatever- I’m a fan ok?

4. Feist - The Reminder

Ok so don’t laugh - but I LOVE running to this album. I know its folkys synthy girly maybe even semi-boring music that overall I am not really that into, but its just that this is a really really good album. And not just that counting song either, the entire thing is fucking SOLID, and “How My Heart Behaves” has tear potential - which is lame of me but awesome of Feist.

5. Bad Business - I have no clue what the album title is, I think its self-titled - my bad.

Definitely not an album from the past year - but one that I rediscovered when I started a punk/hardcore retrospective after unpacking all my old cds when I moved to Greenpoint. The intro to the first song is like: dun ne ne ne nenene nenene and then a shotgun shot. SO GOOD - and the rest of the tracks follow in awesomeness. I mean - I never really even got that in to hardcore in the first place, and even when I can understand the lyrics I think they’re about being straightedge which to me is LAME - but Bad Business does it right and the music is fast and hard - which is what I like in music…. and other things. Oh and I knew the bassist from college, he’s really cool.

OKOK - I know there should be a lot more on here, and its been a long year so I kind of forget everything that I’ve been listening to up to this point. (something about The Knife, TV on the Radio, etc..) so please bear (sp: like the animal?) in mind that I am no good at this. Maybe a more correct title for this post would be: “Favorite Albums of the Last 6 Months” or “Albums That I Can Remember Listening To In Their Entirety and More Than Once” or even “Sounds That I Listen To That Is Not Talk Radio” but that just isn’t as snappy, is it? I think its pretty obvious that since college my coolness has been in rapid decline and I’ve kind of dropped the ball in terms of being like really in to music like a lot of my peers are- but I DO like it and I DO listen to it…. just now in an admittedly more of a while I’m here I might as well enjoy the ride (and dance along) kind of way. If you want I could make a books of 2009 list that would be really boring and detailed and probs 20 pages long - but I like you guys too much for that. I like you guys and I like Day Quill a lot.

Oh and I hope everyone had a great Halloween (I know I did).

Reasons Why I Hate Technology:The feeling is mutual. If it...

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 15:09:00 -0400

Reasons Why I Hate Technology:

The feeling is mutual. If it hasn’t broken yet it is only a matter of time, and I am finding it increasingly difficult not to take this personally. On Wednesday I left my almost brand new cool looking adult cell phone on the table for a mere 2 minutes and when I came back that was it - it was all over. I DIDN’T EVEN DROP IT I SWEAR, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS - IT MAKES NO SENSE. Now I am back to my busted baby’s first flip phone that cost 10 dollars and looks it.

I don’t speak the language. And not for lack of trying, but whenever I try to open my mouth about mega gigs or whatever it becomes pretty clear pretty quickly that I have no idea what I’m talking about. This is kind of embarrassing because as a photographer all of these things are kind of MY LIVELIHOOD. I just can’t seem to pick it up. Oh and I tried really hard to come up with a clever way to use “g’igga please” without being offensive or corny; impossible.

Its super hard to keep up. I know the second I get an I phone (I want one so hard!) something cooler and more badass is going to come out that I will covet FOR YEARS before I take the plunge and get that thing too… and then another even cooler thing will come out completing the cycle of disappointment and low self esteem.

It doesn’t mix well with Tequila - which is kind of a deal breaker for me. I cannot count how many times I have woken up and immediately been like “oh my god oh my god why the fuck did I send that” and dived back under my covers. I cannot be trusted, embarrassment is inevitable.

Its usually really realllllly expensive and really realllllly fragile. I am no swan if you get my drift and I would totally be cool with my phone breaking if I dropped it like I have done thousands of times in the past - but just sitting there? unacceptable. Anything that costs over $200 should be a the very least Andrea proof - and anything over $1,000 should be indestructable

I think this proves I was switched at birth with an Amish baby. On a farm somewhere in Pennsylvania or something there is someone really good at computers that doesn’t fly in to blind rages when the wheel an ox cart inexplicably breaks. Actually scratch that, I suck at that stuff too. I paper mached a horn for my halloween costume last nightand glue is EVERYWHERE. I am the murphy’s law of life.

Not to brag, but I am really, reallllllly good at being lazy....

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 12:23:00 -0400

Not to brag, but I am really, reallllllly good at being lazy. Like so good that if there was an Olympics for laziness I would win like, 50 gold medals or something. Even though maturity and responsibilities restrict my level of idleness; I am and always will be a snuggle piggy at heart and some days I just revel in it. Like yesterday.

The highlights:
Roast Beef sub (I will never call it a hero) with pickles and mustard. 12 inches of heaven, which sounds dirty, but is so delicious
I finished adding work to my photo blog (andreadonadionz.tumblr.com) - which I guess can pass for being productive, but was canceled out by the huge blanket I wrapped around myself and the bag of chips that was within arms reach.
Shitty TV. I LOVE that show Greek, and I watch it every tuesday afternoon. It makes me want to go back to college and join a sorority and be super cute with my girl friends and girl enemies and have a lot of boy problems - not like the boy problems I have now -but awesome ones where it takes like 4 seasons after a series of misunderstandings and bad timing to FINALLY kiss your true love. tween girl porn is SO GOOD
I finished Salem’s Lot - which is nothing to sneeze at considering I was only 250 pages deep into the 496 page monster (no pun intended!), but it was seriously impossible to put down- and it got kind of intense alone in my apartment on a dark and stormy night…reading by candle light. I have no idea why I try and scare the shit out of myself more than a Stephen King novel can alone, the word masochism comes to mind.
Naps - For the record you do NOT want to nap between the pages of a horror novel, but my bed is so so sooooo comfortable.
Did not work on my Halloween costume. Its going to be awesome but I keep putting it off. My room is so clean and glitter and glue and paper mache is going to be really messy. THURSDAY I PROMISE
Ran 7 miles okok not lazy, but it was really good and it was kind of misting out and the wind was blowing like, perfectly. Some days its easy, and it definitely was yesterday.
Spent 3 hours in a coffee shop drinking a bottomless cup of coffee. I got a free mini-pumpkin muffin, 3 bathroom breaks, and a reprieve from my scary apartment.
12 wings, 2 Guinness, 1 Amstel Light (the only cheap beer available at Habitat, ok?) - The perfect semi-drunk, definitely full, end to the perfect day.

Really!? Him?

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 16:29:19 -0400

countbelvedere:

“So okay, I don’t want to be a traitor to my generation and all but I don’t get how guys dress today. I mean, come on, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair - ew - and cover it up with a backwards cap and like, we’re expected to swoon? I don’t think so.”

- Cher from clueless

Ok the quote fits if I were to change a few things such as swap out baggy pants for skinny jeans, but dammit it still applies. SO basically I just don’t understand the attractive appeal of hipsters. Now i know what your saying “Matt, aren’t you a hipster?” My reply “No!” I mean have you looked around at a bar in brooklyn these days its fuckin gross! Everyone looks the same. The guys are all crack addict skinny thin I could snap one of them in half and they all got bad long hair which is always noticiably greasy. And if the hair isn’t long it’s usually styled into something I can only describe as ‘Dr.Seuss meets the 60’s,70’s’. But that might be my own personal preference of short hair on men conflicting with there sublime beauty. Oh maybe its just that I appreciate men who are men. It seems that half these boys are so androgynous that I can’t understand how they could be attractive to anyone. I mean I’ve seen napkins that boast more sexuality then these guys. I’ve often found myself at times trying to discern whose a man or women when im out at the bar. OVerall though the main thing I hate is how it seems everyone is trying to look more weird then the next, so being unattractive is attractive these days…..

Well luckily im gay, so I don’t need to worry about the fate of this generation of breeders, good luck with that ladies. Thankfully us gays have style oh and muscles don’t forget muscles!

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, NO OFFENSE MATT BUT YOU ARE NO ALICIA SILVERSTONE- MORE LIKE ONE OF THOSE SHITTY GRANDMAS THAT COMPLAINS ABOUT THE KIDS THESE DAYS. IF I WANT TO FUCK A NAPKIN I WILL DO SO AND WITHOUT YOUR JUDGEMENT; CONSIDER YOURSELF OFFICIALLY FIRED AS MY WINGMAN. LEAVE ME AND MY GREASY HAIR ATTACHED TO PENISES IN PEACE- WE ARE OK WITHOUT YOU. TRUST

Ok.So it is not advisable to go see Spike Jonze’s Where...

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 11:17:00 -0400

Ok.

So it is not advisable to go see Spike Jonze’s Where the Wild Things Are alone. Or maybe you should go alone - just don’t go on a busy night and then have no option but to sit between 2 couples, among a sea of other couples, with no kleenex and nowhere to rest your elbows.
Suffice it to say, things got….weird.
For the record I don’t consider myself much of a crier, with one exception I have never felt comfortable showing emotions in front of others and find it very, very difficult to find the tears when appropriate. But that doesn’t mean I’m not a baby, I am in fact a huge baby- just one with deep seeded feelings of shame and adversity towards showing weakness (see: feelings) to others. Fucked up, right? That said, I cried basically the entire way through Where the Wild Things Are, and after it was over I went to the bathroom and cried some more. I mean definitely not my finest moment, but color me fucking affected- it takes A LOT (see: puppet tears) for me to lose my shit like this. It was just so- beautiful, and quiet, and moving, and I don’t know. It isn’t even much of a story; Where the Wild Things Are is a moving portrait of a child’s loneliness and the darkness that can surround a family; done with the perfect amount of humor and silence. While the book itself is a mere 48 pages (and indeed this movie is done with great respect to Maurice Sendak’s classic) that tells the story of a small boy learning to control his anger, the feature is stretched into a full hour and 41 minute journey following a small boy while he learns to control his reality and the hard truths that come with it. Where the Wild Things Are is packed with human emotion, but without the drama of adult perspective it is subtle and much more poignant. With its sparse dialogue, lush landscapes, and wonderful camera movement every piece of this movie felt perfect, and not only does it abandon the real world it penetrates it - showing Max as he learns that you can never truly leave behind the loneliness and solitude that encapsulate sadness, or the wild things that live there.
A+

Andrea’s Pet Peeves: Talking on the subway. Ok I’m...

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 13:24:00 -0400

Andrea’s Pet Peeves:

Talking on the subway. Ok I’m not crazy, you can talk - but only in the afternoon or evening. And only when you are not squeezed up against another person with your mouth very close to their ear. Oh and only if you brushed your teeth. I don’t care if your german or whatever and I can’t understand a word you’re saying, take your cues from the other americans hating their commute around you and keep it the fuck shut. Also, if you do speak english and it is past 9am, please consider the content- we may be strangers; but not for long if we keep standing pregnancy close and you are spilling your secrets to your sweaty friend next to me. SHUDDER

When they fuck up my coffee. It’s not rocket science, and as an ex-barrista I expect you to get something as simple as coffee with cream and splenda (I know, whatever) right. You work at a very busy Dunkin Donuts at a very busy subway station and I know you’ve been working there for over a year because I recognize you, how do you not have this down by now?

When people tell me to smile. Maybe my mom just died or like I had dental surgery yesterday, neither of these things have happened but you don’t know that (things would be a lot easier if I could cry on cue and teach some lessons like they do on tv all the time). I mean sure, odds are I’m just tired and don’t want to be wherever I am (work, walking home from a bar, etc…) but as a man (and it is always a fucking penis who tells me this) maybe you should accept the fact that you are not at the center of my universe and therefor I will not smile for you if I don’t feel like it, and especially not upon request.

When people don’t squeeze the sponge dry after they do the dishes. Repeat offenders of this are my Dad and Caroline, I really don’t get why they don’t understand the importance of wringing it out after use. Seriously, I am not made of money and this can prolong said sponges life by WEEKS and ensures the next time I use it I won’t drop it immediately and squeal at how disgusting it is to touch an old, wet sponge. I actually do not mind doing the dishes, my hands like warm water and its usually only a few because I ALWAYS do mine right after use, but it is illogical to use a germy cess pool of rot to get things clean.

Toilet seat up. I may have kind of fallen in once (or like sat on it and been like “what the fuck happened to the seat?!”). I was drunk and didn’t think to look down and I haven’t got over it, ok? Also I don’t like touching the lid -it has pee on it.

The sound of nail clippers. I can barely bring myself to clip my own nails because the noise is such hell to my ears. Once someone started clipping their nails on the subway and I almost lost it. HELLO THIS IS NOT YOUR PRIVATE BATHROOM THIS IS MY PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. If I ever kill someone it will be for doing dumb shit like this, I’d write more but I can’t even think about that sound without my skin crawling.

Bad service. I don’t like being waited on in the first place, it’s something I could do myself and really - who am I to have someone bring me my own food? So I like it fast and discreet, I don’t need to know where you are from or your name or have to answer similar asinine questions. But when you take forever, forget my silverware or drink, and above all else have the audacity to get embarrassed about it - my eyes turn red with rage. I mean its not a big deal but food is expensive and I’m hungry so please just give me all the tools to enjoy my meal in peace. Caroline gets really mad at me when I’m like steaming about this because she has solidarity or something because she used to be a waitress, but whatever - if your bad at your job and it affects my stomach I officially hate you.

Slow walkers. The E isn’t running uptown on the weekends, so after work I have to walk all the way to Bryant Park to catch the 7 and it is a NIGHTMARE. Seriously, try and walk down 5th ave on a Saturday evening and not get pissed. Just try it. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE. STOP TAKING PICTURES OF THE BUILDINGS, OF EACH OTHER- I HATE YOUR STUPID FANNY PACK OH MY GOD JUST HURRY IT THE FUCK UP I WANT TO GO HOME NOT LOOK AT ST PATRICKS CATHEDRAL OR THE SPARKLY EXPENSIVE WINDOW DISPLAYS. To be fair I don’t think this would drive me as crazy if my job wasn’t answering tourists (dumb) questions all day and having to be super excited they’re on vacation in the best city in the world!!!!! Just let me get to where you are not, please.

When a bar doesn’t have bud light or pbr or a really cheap awesome beer like coors. What the fuck is this nonsense? Cheap beer should be ubiquitous and I fucking loath Amstel Light, it is not good and I am not a middle aged dad ok? I am a young woman trying not to gain 50 lbs with her drinking habit, and I want to be refreshed without having to switch to vodka sodas or some other diet girl drink that is like 2 sips and costs a fortune. Also in that vein; if said cheap beer cost over 3 dollars you belong in jail for robbery.

This could go on and on, but I think I should quit while I’m ahead. But at least now you all have written proof that I am a huge bitch.

To be real: I have a lot of latent anger swimming around. anger...

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 19:55:00 -0400

To be real: I have a lot of latent anger swimming around. anger at my parents anger at myself anger at god. More than I would like things haven’t seemed to turn out the way I planned or expected- and this has been a disappointing thing. However, I believe that a big part of growing up means learning to live with that disappointment and not letting it spoil the things in life that do provide fulfillment and satisfaction (that sounds like sex, but I’m trying to be serious here guys) but sometimes? Sometimes I am just angry; like today, like now. And even though there are things that are happening at present, or at least very recently and in the near future, that I don’t just feel good about I feel fucking great about- I can’t help but be frustrated because I wish I could be the kind of person that could rage and throw things and just let it loose, you know? Get these festery negative feelings out of me so I can move on to the next thing, like I perceive normal people as doing. Unfortunately the most I could ever muster was punching my ex boyfriend while he was half asleep and to be honest my heart wasn’t that into it, it was really more funny than anything-something I consider to be a failed experiment. I guess what I’m trying to say is that in a perfect world I will express my feelings appropriately and in an adequate time frame, pack my lunch every day to save money, and have the confidence of someone with far larger breasts than god gave me. Dare to fucking dream, right?

Oh and I’m sorry for the call back to live journal circa 2002 (recently perused my old one, I am still cringing) teenage angst. I’ll probably get embarrassed about this later and delete it - but for now I will revel in my immaturity, listen to the Subhumans whilst drinking a few beers, and let this one go. I promise to be funny tomorrow.

(the image above is a John Baldesarri- one of my favorite artists).

Favorite Bars of New York City In No Particular Order (I so get...

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 12:12:00 -0400

Favorite Bars of New York City In No Particular Order (I so get what my mom meant when she said that she loves us all equally):

Pizza Bar / Alligator Lounge 2 / LuLu’s - The name is unclear, the deal however is CRYSTAL. Free pizza with every beer, $1 each for extra toppings (I recommend bacon), and they are usually playing shitty punk music. A dream come true! 113 Franklin St. @ Greenpoint Ave

Matchless - I once ordered a dozen wings there and they gave me all drumsticks which, at the time, I thought was the coolest thing that has ever happened to me (I may not be wrong). They totes get me, which is rare for a bar. Also they have a karaoke night which I do not participate but enjoy watching, and there’s usually a cute guy or two I can try and make eyes at but really just make an ass out of myself and feel super weird about. So, in short, everything I want out of a bar and more. 557 Manhattan Ave @ Driggs

Mark Bar - Its definitely divey - and I love dives! They have free popcorn, food I have never tried (but I like the idea that its waiting for me when I’m ready), a decent jukebox, 2 flavors of frozen margaritas in one of those spinning machines (pink and yellow), and its 5 bucks for a shot of bourbon (American whiskey yeck) and a pbr. Also, no one there is remotely attractive which can potentially save me a lot of embarrassment (I may be drunk but I am not BLIND) and once as I was entering my friend pushed me into a bike (ok-maybe not sober) and not only do I still have the scars to prove it, I didn’t even realize I was injured until my other friend reached down to touch my knee (sexy!) and his hand came away covered in blood. If that’s not fucking tough I don’t know what is, and now I have a charming story to tell at parties and family functions! 1025 Manhattan Ave @ Green St

Habitat - 2 words: laaaaaaaaaaaaadies night!!!!!! free waffle fries for ladies, 3 dollar select drafts for ladies, 3 dollar well drinks for ladies, and 3 dollar wine and sangria FOR LADIES. Whenever I go it seems like everyone is there completely by accident; so the night is decidedly sans glitter and tiaras and like boobs out trying to attract dicks; which I’m decidedly cool with. But we still talk about boys and stuff (we just don’t think we need a fucking cosmo to do it ok?), and sometimes they play classic 80’s movies like The Goonies and Police Academy (hilarious!). Also Tuesday is 25 cent wing night and not to brag, I am VERY good at eating wings and this gives me an opportunity to really show my stuff. 988 Manhattan Ave @ Huron St.

Welcome to the Johnsons - The only bar on this list located in Manhattan (fuck you Annex), and prob my fav bar of all time eternity forever. Best, best, BEST juke box known to man. Descendents, Black Flag, Iron Maiden, the Buzzcocks, Johnny Cash, and oh yeah the Descendents. It is my punk fantasy juke box; an orgasm for the ears. See also; cheap pbr / well drinks, awkwardly placed pool table and furniture, gross “unisex” bathroom with a door that doesn’t lock - translation? heaven on earth. Only downside is a bunch of douche bags that are all like “the lower east side is so edgy lets stop by a few bars this weekend and try and impress girls by telling them we’re actors that live in park slope” go there on the weekends - but honestly I am usually too happy to care and the bartenders are smoking hot and probably in really good bands. 123 Rivington St @ Essex St

The Levee - I dont know; whenever I go there its crazy busy, they have awesome drink specials with beers from Texas paired with cheap tequila, and free cheeseballs. Need I say more? 212 Berry St @ Metropolitan Ave

The Pencil Factory - Perhaps saving the best for last (I know I promised not to play favorites but…) its a neighborhood solid. Great beer selection, even better bartender selection, and an all around good crowd. That thing I said about the bartenders sounds sleazy- but I mean it in a nice way. They are really cool, sometimes let me pick the music, and Charles will text me and ask me if its ok to cock block Caroline because he thinks some guy is creepin on her- and yes Charles it is ALWAYS ok to cock block Caroline, and for the record I appreciate the big brother rapport. Also the interior is dark and moody and comfy cozy for a cold night, and outdoor seating available for a warm one. Love it. 142 Franklin St @ Greenpoint Ave

I tried to even this out because I like a list with a nice round 10, but my liver isn’t in that bad of shape and to be honest I’m too much a creature of habit to really venture outside of these 7. However my other favorite places to drink include any couch in front of any tv, any place with my friends, and any place I probably shouldn’t (danger buzz!).

I am kind shocked about the Richard Prince / Tate Modern drama...

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 15:54:00 -0400

I am kind shocked about the Richard Prince / Tate Modern drama involving an image of Brooke Shields that was taken when she was ten years old, not because I think it was wrong of the British police to censor it - but because I think it was right. Prince did not take the original picture in question, rather photographer Gary Gross did in 1975 commissioned by Brooke’s mother Teri; a sad attempt to catapult her daughter’s fame. After the shoot Teri Shields immediately signed away the rights to the photograph and it was soon featured in Playboy magazine- which obviously sparked a lot of controversy- and soon became the subject of an obscenity case, where the judge ruled it was not, in fact, an illegal image. This motivated Prince to then “re photograph” the image in 1978 titling it “Spiritual America”, and is in the style of most of his work (appropriating iconic American and sometimes shocking images to challenge the context of art in the museum and culture). This piece was set to be displayed in the Tate’s new show; Pop Life: Art in the Material World, but the image was taken down before the show opened. This fiasco (and it is most definitely) has brought up a lot of issues involving what is acceptable as art, and what is acceptable in a society. In America child pornography is defined by media of a minor in a sexual situation - in the photograph Brooke is merely standing in a bathtub and even though her pose, set, and makeup speak of a sexual nature - technically it is legal. In England however the definition is a little more vague- hence the controversy of displaying Prince’s image in a public space.

I believe in freedom of speech. Brooke wasn’t physically hurt in the making of the photograph and while I do believe she was put in a situation she had no control of and that could be deemed incredibly embarrassing - her mother had the right to make this (bad) choice and it was and is legal. What I do have a problem with is Richard Prince’s role in this situation. I understand that there have been many images produced of idyllic naked children photographed in bathtubs and in meadows, pictorialsm that was quite popular at the turn of the century, and while this picture is in obvious reference to that movement it is shattered by the vulgarity of modern cinema and the shock of seeing a young actress displayed as a sexual object. The title choice for the work is “Spiritual America” - an obvious dig at the fact that this picture is legal and therefor permissible in American society (the fact that this photograph was immediately sold, displayed, and exploited by a popular men’s magazine speaks volumes about our culture) - but what is Prince really accomplishing by showing it again; retitled and blown up? I get that Prince is using this to hold a mirror up, forcing us to look at ourselves as individuals and members of a society but seriously? Damn the transformative qualities of the art context a museum can lend to a subversive image -anyone who looks at this photograph knows that a young girl was taken advantage of (Brooke unsuccessfully tried to buy the negatives back in 1981), and the fact that Prince is perpetuating this under the guise of art is tragic. Obviously her mother is responsible for the creation of this image, but in the act of rephotographing and appropriating it Prince shares in that responsibility and is just as guilty of exploiting a ten year old’s sexuality (and I suppose the curators have a piece of this pie as well)- no matter how old or famous she is today. When it works; controversial imagery in a museum can be a vehicle for dialogue and change in a society, but I think that this is not the case. There is no success in this controversy, it is way too after the fact and sadly, still at the expense of a woman who has never had a say. Being labeled as art and displayed in a famous museum does not validate or provide a cover for inappropriate and offensive work- and putting a child’s body in a sexual context is a big deal, one that transcends the purpose of pushing the boundaries of modern art. I actually really like Richard Prince’s work and how it can challenge the paradigms of American culture but this? This is too much. I am interested in what the curators have to say about their display choices but honestly, I hope it stays down.

5 Reasons Why I Am Still in High School:1. Not only can I not...

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 18:37:00 -0400

5 Reasons Why I Am Still in High School:

1. Not only can I not talk to boys that I like without being awkward and strange, I nurture weird obsessive crushes on them. You know the ones; and only on dudes that have no idea who I am- a quality I still find irresistible.

2. Secret reading. I used to get in trouble a lot for reading under my desk in math class, and now that I am a “grown up” with a “real job” I am often hiding in corners and crouching behind weird screen things in the back office just so I can fit in an extra chapter. I am a nerd, some things never change.

3. My diet. pizza, candy, chips -

4. Celibacy. I mean not forever, but seriously? DRY SPELL

5. How do I put this simply. I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT TO WEAR EVER. dear god it is still really hard getting dressed in the morning, and due to numbers 1 and 4 on this list- the pressure is ON.

5 Reasons Why I Am Not Still In High School:

1. I have an apartment, a job, and a college degree. like, duh.

2. I don’t smoke weed really, ever. I know this is uncool, but its illegal (I look bad in stripes) and expensive and ever since college getting high has made me super insecure and curious about my hands- which is not exactly a party, know what I’m saying?

3. I can drink (legally) at bars. And do. Often.

4. I’ve had a few boyfriends, 3 to be exact. Boys that I actually liked and probably wouldn’t be too pissed if they wrote a song about me (this is in reference to my first and only boyfriend in high school, that the new and old me could eat for fucking breakfast).

5. I love my family, am pretty cool with my parents, and relish spending time at home. The drama has finally ended, and they cook for me!

Things I love about Fall:-I get to wear my leather jacket....

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 15:17:00 -0400

Things I love about Fall:

-I get to wear my leather jacket. I’m not sure if you guys are familiar with it but its fucking tough and one time my roommate bob told me he didn’t like the jacket not because it doesn’t look good on me (it looks AWESOME) but because he didn’t like the idea of the leather jacket and the time in my life it represents. I’m kind of unclear on what that means but if that’s not badass I don’t know what is. Oh and also it adds a punk twist to everything I’m wearing, and rocking it with my work duds when I’m outside yelling at Italians to (for the love of god) step forward etc.. I am perceived as someone they shouldn’t fuck with, or at the very least, someone not to be peppered with stupid European questions.

-A warm drink on a cold day. Usually this beverage is coffee, but hot cider is extra super special, my mom rules at hot cider. Drinking a hot coffee without sweating like a baby pig (ew summer) is priceless and not taken for granted. Also it warms your hands and that is GOOD.

-As previously stated, Halloween is my favorite holiday. CANDYCANDYCANDY PUMPKIN CARVING ACTIVITIES GALORE and now I’m old enough to drink and wear slutty leotard outfits hazaa! Last year I didn’t do anything except watch a shitty indie film and put ear drops in my ex-roommates ears - so this year I have to eat twice as much candy and drink twice as many beers.

-The changing of the leaves is really quite beautiful and living on my own means my slave driver, I mean mother, can’t make me rake the lawn!

-Pumpkin Ale. For the record - I don’t like it when people fuck with my beers. I can barely handle a Belgian wheat - so I really do not like the taste of flowers, fruit, or chocolate polluting my brew. However, pumpkin ale is my one, delicious exception. SO GOOD I WILL DRINK YOU FOREVER

-I can use my blankets again. Cuddle bunnies like warm little beds with nice little books - extra points if it is dark and stormy out.

-My hair deflates. Thanks to caroline I will always be insecure about my curly locks and it is unmanageable and huge during the summer months. But fall through winter grants a nice reprieve and sometimes I can even run my fingers through it!
-And in that grain - fall means I do not feel like a bar of soap in the subway that will squirt to the ceiling when squeezed between 2 other sweaty bodies. nyc is fucking gross sometimes.

-ummmm what else…. THANKSGIVING IS FUN TOO. and then its almost winter then almost christmas and then almost spring (which i hate) and then summer again!!! the cycle of life is oh so wonderful. Miracles!

Halloween means leotards and leotards mean I NEED TO LOSE SOME...

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 16:08:00 -0400

Halloween means leotards and leotards mean I NEED TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT STAT.
Here’s the plan:

1. I’m switching to light beer, well mostly. I realize that quitting drinking altogether would be more productive but I’m not perfect ok? Liquor would also be a smart choice but I can barely afford my tequila habit as it is and if I went full time its possible I would end up dead or worse - broke. Where’s the fun in that? This really won’t be hard because Bud Light is the refreshing nectarine of the gods.

2. Maybe I should not eat a chicken quesadilla every day slathered with sour cream and guacamole. But I’m not sure if this is possible, Stage Star Deli counts on me. They love me so much they give me a free soda - and I CANNOT and WILL NOT turn my back them, they are awesome. Maybe the extra thinking about whether or not I should eat it will burn more calories? I hear that guilt is very slimming

3. Limit to 1 donut a week - 2 TOPS. Donut coffee cart is the best part of my morning! They love me there too! So it will be sad to go there less but its not called a fun out, its called a work out - sigh.

4. Exercise in new and different ways. I already run like 40+ miles a week (which begs the question why is there fat on my body in the first place, the answer? there is no god and I prob eat too much cheese) - but I used to do crunches so maybe I’ll start doing those again. Of course I will do them in the comfort of my own home because curling up in a fetal position and whimpering while my face turns beat red as I struggle to do the 5th sit up is NOT HOT. and I am VERY SINGLE. Ladies, can I get an amen?

5. Walk more! Instead of shouting at my sister that she has a choice between paying rent or getting me a glass of water THIS INSTANT I will get it myself. I will log miles and miles on my daily pedometer! yay

6. I need to stop going to bars that give me a free pizza with every beer. It is my kryptonite, I CANNOT say no to free pizza - it is against nature. I always go in there with the best intentions to imbibe liquids only but the scent of melted cheese is intoxicating and I can’t resist! Maybe I’ll get the pizza but seriously NO BACON THIS TIME OK? even if it tastes like a heaven that is so heavenly it is only for angels. NO.

7. I will smile more. I know this probably wont help me fit into my skintight costume, but I think its a good idea anyways. People think I’m a bitch and if this weight loss plan doesn’t work I’m going to have to fall back on my personality to get people to like me. which is NOT IDEAL

8. Make Caroline fat. I know this won’t help me lose weight either but I will look so petite and lithe in comparison! She’s probably going to be mad that I even wrote this, but Caroline I SWEAR ice cream will make you feel better and if its half the fat you can eat twice as much!

9. Stop planning /talking about opening a bakery named “Donutdios” (cute right?) and inventing various twists on dessert and pizza. It is counterproductive and pastry experiments require a lot of taste testing. This can wait til’ after Halloween.

10. I will have more sex - it burns calories! I really, reallllllly hope this one works out because my future is starting to like a fat nun and that is not cool.

Ok, I know this is a major life style change but I feel good about this guys! I bet all the extra typing totes burned at least a couple hundred calories so maybe I should start blogging more too. I can’t wait until October 31st when everyone will ask me what my secret is and whether or not I’m anorexic while I drink 100 beers and eat 1000 fun size candy bars. FUN!

The fact that Final Destination 4 was even made is an...

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 11:41:00 -0400

The fact that Final Destination 4 was even made is an interesting move on Hollywood’s part, because the first 3 were kind of the same story with the same result, the fourth being no exception (*spoiler alert*) :

A group of rag tag kids are at an event or on the way to an event when one of them has a premonition of a disaster of epic proportions. This happens within the first ten minutes of the movie and is basically the reason why we all paid 12 dollars - the special effects ARE AWESOME. Once this part is over the protagonist realizes it was not just any daydream and tries to warn his or her friends of their impending doom. The slut of the group scoffs and it takes some hysterical freaking out to get them kicked out or stalled - thus saving them and a few bystanders from DEATH who apparently has a hard time letting things go. The rest of the movie is about them realizing that Death is totes pissed that they got away and through a serious of elaborate booby traps he plans to take them back IN FUCKING STYLE (Death is apparenly very good at that game Mouse Trap). Somewhere along they way the gang think they find a loop hole, but surprise! You can’t cheat death and everyone pretty much dies. Roll the credits, cue shitty music.

So how do you get people to see the same movie 4 times? Its a pretty obvious formula of explosions, boobs, and comedy. And while the first 3 were sequels of each other, they were smart enough to increase all these elements making some truly hilarious campy action films that we can all laugh and cringe along with . However the fourth installment in this “series” (this term does not really apply because a series features harbingers of death like Jason that keep returning for more, this just has death which kind of provides a final and absolute plot ending) acts in complete defiance of the fact that it is possible that we saw even one of the previous 3 films and thus ALREADY KNOW THE ENDING. Wait.. you can’t cheat death or “break the chain”? Yeah, that was COVERED, so lets try and be funny about it like the third one ok? 3D is not enough of a twist and if movies continue to put all their eggs in the 3D basket we are fucked. Oh and advertising for 3D movies in a 3D moiver makes absolutely no sense. Like I already bought what you are selling otherwise I wouldn’t even be here. But I digress- remakes are acceptable if the first movie came out. say 30 years ago (Rob Zombie is decidedly not fucking up Halloween and that is kind of awesome), but the 3rd Final Destination came out in like - 2006. For those of you not good at math that was 3 FUCKING YEARS AGO. I REMEMBER OK? I understand this is trying to appeal to new teen audiences, but 23 is not that far off so I’m still almost a teenager - at least I certainly act like one by going to shitty movies because of explosions in the trailer and the promise of cheating death is dangled in front of me like a FUCKING CARROT. Final Destination 4 was stupid and irrelevanat. A little bit more crativity next time, please. C- (the special effects were, in fact, awesome)