Andrea’s Pet Peeves:
Talking on the subway. Ok I’m not crazy, you can talk - but only in the afternoon or evening. And only when you are not squeezed up against another person with your mouth very close to their ear. Oh and only if you brushed your teeth. I don’t care if your german or whatever and I can’t understand a word you’re saying, take your cues from the other americans hating their commute around you and keep it the fuck shut. Also, if you do speak english and it is past 9am, please consider the content- we may be strangers; but not for long if we keep standing pregnancy close and you are spilling your secrets to your sweaty friend next to me. SHUDDER
When they fuck up my coffee. It’s not rocket science, and as an ex-barrista I expect you to get something as simple as coffee with cream and splenda (I know, whatever) right. You work at a very busy Dunkin Donuts at a very busy subway station and I know you’ve been working there for over a year because I recognize you, how do you not have this down by now?
When people tell me to smile. Maybe my mom just died or like I had dental surgery yesterday, neither of these things have happened but you don’t know that (things would be a lot easier if I could cry on cue and teach some lessons like they do on tv all the time). I mean sure, odds are I’m just tired and don’t want to be wherever I am (work, walking home from a bar, etc…) but as a man (and it is always a fucking penis who tells me this) maybe you should accept the fact that you are not at the center of my universe and therefor I will not smile for you if I don’t feel like it, and especially not upon request.
When people don’t squeeze the sponge dry after they do the dishes. Repeat offenders of this are my Dad and Caroline, I really don’t get why they don’t understand the importance of wringing it out after use. Seriously, I am not made of money and this can prolong said sponges life by WEEKS and ensures the next time I use it I won’t drop it immediately and squeal at how disgusting it is to touch an old, wet sponge. I actually do not mind doing the dishes, my hands like warm water and its usually only a few because I ALWAYS do mine right after use, but it is illogical to use a germy cess pool of rot to get things clean.
Toilet seat up. I may have kind of fallen in once (or like sat on it and been like “what the fuck happened to the seat?!”). I was drunk and didn’t think to look down and I haven’t got over it, ok? Also I don’t like touching the lid -it has pee on it.
The sound of nail clippers. I can barely bring myself to clip my own nails because the noise is such hell to my ears. Once someone started clipping their nails on the subway and I almost lost it. HELLO THIS IS NOT YOUR PRIVATE BATHROOM THIS IS MY PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. If I ever kill someone it will be for doing dumb shit like this, I’d write more but I can’t even think about that sound without my skin crawling.
Bad service. I don’t like being waited on in the first place, it’s something I could do myself and really - who am I to have someone bring me my own food? So I like it fast and discreet, I don’t need to know where you are from or your name or have to answer similar asinine questions. But when you take forever, forget my silverware or drink, and above all else have the audacity to get embarrassed about it - my eyes turn red with rage. I mean its not a big deal but food is expensive and I’m hungry so please just give me all the tools to enjoy my meal in peace. Caroline gets really mad at me when I’m like steaming about this because she has solidarity or something because she used to be a waitress, but whatever - if your bad at your job and it affects my stomach I officially hate you.
Slow walkers. The E isn’t running uptown on the weekends, so after work I have to walk all the way to Bryant Park to catch the 7 and it is a NIGHTMARE. Seriously, try and walk down 5th ave on a Saturday evening and not get pissed. Just try it. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE. STOP TAKING PICTURES OF THE BUILDINGS, OF EACH OTHER- I HATE YOUR STUPID FANNY PACK OH MY GOD JUST HURRY IT THE FUCK UP I WANT TO GO HOME NOT LOOK AT ST PATRICKS CATHEDRAL OR THE SPARKLY EXPENSIVE WINDOW DISPLAYS. To be fair I don’t think this would drive me as crazy if my job wasn’t answering tourists (dumb) questions all day and having to be super excited they’re on vacation in the best city in the world!!!!! Just let me get to where you are not, please.
When a bar doesn’t have bud light or pbr or a really cheap awesome beer like coors. What the fuck is this nonsense? Cheap beer should be ubiquitous and I fucking loath Amstel Light, it is not good and I am not a middle aged dad ok? I am a young woman trying not to gain 50 lbs with her drinking habit, and I want to be refreshed without having to switch to vodka sodas or some other diet girl drink that is like 2 sips and costs a fortune. Also in that vein; if said cheap beer cost over 3 dollars you belong in jail for robbery.
This could go on and on, but I think I should quit while I’m ahead. But at least now you all have written proof that I am a huge bitch.
