BRAINWORKS

Things that I am suffering from, or have suffered from, in the past 30 days (I’m not in the best mood OK?):

2 colds. Not one, TWO. The first was fever madness where I spent my time convalescing in bed, sweating while eating roast beef sandwiches, and catching up on Grey’s; suffice to say it could have been worse. What I have now is a sore throat moved to sinuses moved to chest head achey sneezy monster that WONT GO AWAY. CAN I PLEASE STOP COUGHING?. CAN I PLEASE GET A FULL NIGHTS SLEEP?

Scrapped elbow - like I for serious scraped the shit out of my elbow, cut up my hands, and bruised my knees / ego. Usually I am a graceful swan whilst speeding through Brooklyn, but 2 weeks ago I fell while running and the concrete/subway grate (eck) scooped out like. a lot of skin. like more than has ever been scooped before. You can read previous posts detailing my treatment - but its been weeks and its still killing me. The plus side is that its pretty much guaranteed I am getting a sweet scar out of the deal, but it would be nice to put on a sweater without wincing and making that “ssssss” noise no one can help. Oh yeah and not looking like a leper would be cool too-

My knee is fucking up again. AGH  FUCK. LIKE SERIOUSLY FUCK. not being able to run is the worst worst worst thing that can happen and after last year’s awesome 2 months of the elliptical and leg lifts and the doctors office and stupid knee brace thing and prescription anti-inflammatory I am so not excited to be back here again. However no way am I letting it get that far this time - but it is going to take a little break and over a 100 bones to get some new sneaks and a lot of ib profin. this is NOT COOL

Broken heart. Well not really, but yeah I guess kind of really. Definitely not a recent development, but the past month has been not exactly easy. Its just that this is taking FOREVER and it just. hurts. and yeah its been getting better but jeeze - can I be done already? In the words of Rhianna (I love that she said this to Diane Sawyer) “ef love”. SO yeah - I should probably start making more of an effort to actually date people…  instead of the usual getting drunk at bars and whining to my sister about how little game I have (zero), and how I wish I was already old so that the hard parts could be over already (I am a really fun time).  Here is my personal: Hello my name is Andrea and I like dogs and Stephen King and watching a ton of shitty tv in bed, I usually come off as an abrasive bitch but there is a cuddly bunny inside that still sleeps with her security blanket. sexy, right? DOOMED

I think I have a tumor on my back and it itches sometimes. TMI, right? I mean if the guys aren’t calling, SURELY the phone will be ringing off the hook after they read this. I should prob get it checked out, but why would I get rid of such an ice breaker when bikini season is so fucking boring.

I stubbed my toes at least 239847283947283947 times. Is it weird that I think of toe stubbing as the only real karma and/or proof of god? He hates me and shows me by making me trip over EVERY FUCKING THING IN MY HOUSE.

I think that’s it. Oh and  I have eczema on my hand, but that’s my fault - and holiday season breeds low self image - but I think you guys might have caught that one already. so yeah - feel super bad for me because I feel super bad for me and HAVE A GREAT THANKSGIVING. I think I will come up with a list of things I am thankful for to balance out how pathetic this one is.

Reasons Why Having Your Dad Visit Rules:

1. He laughs at all your jokes. Not only do you have the same sense of humor, he thinks you’re the funniest person he knows. (and he isn’t wrong, right guys!) We make fun of people for the same reasons (namely their looks), and make fun of each other more. I am my father’s daughter.

2. Its covered…. as in the bill. I think I spent like 8 bucks this past week, and 6 of those dollars was on a beer for my roommate (you’re welcome bob). Sometimes I would try and by polite/adult and reach for my wallet only to immediately be interrupted with a  “don’t worry honey, I got this” YES. Nothing is better when you’re 23 and really poor living in an expensive city where you spend all your extra dough at the bar to get a visit from Daddy Warbucks. Yes I WILL get an appetizer AND an entree AND maybe a coffee after that AND lets go out for beers later-the sun is out. TODAY!

3. Not only does he love you, he’s proud of you too. Being the only offspring with a full time job with benefits and dental (Vanessa you really need to step it up), has its perks - mainly R.E.S.P.E.C.T. - my dad doesn’t even have one of those things! hazaaa!

4. An excuse to go to museums, which you love but you work at one so you’re kind of like. lazy about it.  And also -going to a show with someone who doesn’t know anything about art fucking rules, they are very very excited at what they see and have probably never seen anything like it before. My dad keeps asking me questions about Damien Hurst (“that guy with the shark”) that we saw at the Met (“the thing at the Whitney”) and that sold for like 30 million dollars (“the one that cost a lot right?, email me his name so I can do research ok?”). We also saw this samurai sword thing which was kind of redundant - you see one blade you’ve seen them all- but he seemed really into  it, the Robert Frank which was surprisingly GREAT ( the simple sequencing that correlates with the classic book was clever and just. enjoyable), and the Roni Horn which I loved…but he immediately walked out of to go see the Georgia O’Keefe. win some lose some.

5. Someone to gang up on your sister with, someone to make fun of when you gang up with your sister, someone who gangs up on you with your sister. In my family exists a viscous circle or ridicule (which I am admittedly at the center of) and it is usually always funny and only sometimes hurtful. My dad and I think of banter as a sport…  my mother however, disagrees.

6. My friends think he’s cool. I don’t know why. JUST KIDDING MY DAD IS THE COOLEST

7. Dad’s are easy to talk to . Or at least I find it very easy to talk to my dad - and even though I don’t always ask for it, he’s ready with advice. It feels good when someone wants to help you.

8. He’s embarrassing. But its really, reallllllly endearing. Seriously, every place we went to he was like “This is my daughter she works at the MoMA and I’m visiting her” then he would ask what was good there and what they recommend (if it was a restaurant)(he ususally ended up ordering the same thing as me) or talk about the Tim Burton show and how I got him in when it was only in preview. I mean - I can live through this - its funny and cute. but just wait until he’s in a wheelchair and not able to stop me from cutting his hair and dressing him in embarrassing outfits. He already mixes up my name with my sisters, the clock is ticking.

9. Snacks. Meat snacks. Street meat snacks. Not only are we not too good for it. we LOVE IT - as in buy polish baby sausage to sustain us through out the day -  eat it within the first hour - spend the rest of the day talking about how good it was - and then buy more to eat later. Best with mustard, I think I had at least a pound of kielbasa. like. every  24 hours.

10. He loves me, I love him. Its nice to spend time with the people you love.

Let me paint a little picture for you (I could not find a picture of this on google image search).
You:
Walking down the dirty steps to the subway. You are on your way to somewhere that is hopefully not work, and maybe looking forward to said future destination. You do not like taking the train but it is a necessary evil, and you are not thinking of anything else other than maybe finding a place to lean so you can crack open your book and wait - you know - NO BIGGIE this is life ok? You turn your head, noticing a new subway ad and you are confronted with your WORST NIGHTMARE.
The poster ad is of a bagel tuna fish (italicised to simulate the sneer I would have if  said out loud) sandwich with an iced tea in the background and some kind of catch phrase along the lines of  “the rumbling you hear is not the oncoming train, its your stomach blah blah $3.99 we are Satan”

Seriously? this is SERIOUSLY HAPPENING? OH MY GOD FUCK YOU DUNKIN’ DONUTS. You used to be my favorite favorite if only for the fact that you are not Starbucks (working America vs yuppie America). But if you are honestly trying to push tuna fish sandwiches on the subway we are O-V-E-R, over.
The funny thing is. I love tuna fish, love it - I even eat that shit out of a can (kitties!) - but lets be real: not only does it really really smell, it looks like someone puked and put it between bread. It may be delicious, but it is like dark secret delicious- so much so that us fans have to pretend it is disgusting to live among our fellow man without persecution. So suffice to say there is an appropriate time to eat tunafish which is NOT on the subway and NOT in front of ANYONE ALMOST EVER. ok? It is not even cool to eat it in front of your roommate,  let alone a crowded death box that careens through dark tunnels possibly [probably] populated by mutant rats. The next time I have tuna fish you will know that I am either really pissed at Bob and am using sandwich consumption as punishment, or I am married and have decided that mystery does not, in fact, matter. But I digress, the subway ALREADY smells. Can we PLEASE not make it worse, and for that matter lets NOT encourage ANY kind of eating on the trains - IT IS UNSANITARY AND SO SO SHIVER ME TIMBERS GROSS AND DISGUSTING, I am seriously fucking horrified by the prospect of having to deal with this on my already shitty commute. I mean, between the hobos and the close talking/standing and the sweating aren’t things bad enough? Do we REALLY have to make it more uncomfortable… and with fish of all things? So if any of you idiots EVER eats a tuna fish ANYTHING anywhere near me on the subway I will kill you. Like I am not kidding; I will fucking kill you. When they find the mangled body of the rube that is dumb enough to do this in my presence I am OK with the prosecution using this blog post to push the death penalty. I WILL HAVE NO REMORSE.

consider yourself warned.

ps. I found this: https://www.dunkindonuts.com/donut on my quest for the perfect image for this post and WOW. dunkin’ donuts you saucy bitch -this will totally take up HOURS of my work day and almost (but not quite) makes me feel better about this whole fiasco.

Ok. Not that I’ve really been looking… but I think I think I’ve discovered the single hardest thing you have to do as a grown up. It’s not moving out of your parents place, its not paying rent and dealing with your debt, or even working full time at a job that you’re not so hot on. No- the hardest thing to do is that when you get hurt, bringing yourself to put alcohol on your wounds. Cleaning off the blood and disinfecting it so it can heal, properly.It is the most immediate and intense and oh my fucking god painful downfall of having to take care of yourself and after the nasty spill I took this weekend I had 2 options:
1. Half ass it, put a band aide over it, forget about it. I’ve done this before and as a result I have some pretty interesting scars and been through a few painful infections- things got green, it wasn’t pretty.
2. Do it right. Sit in the bathroom for 10 minutes staring at the alcohol wipe while muttering “fuck fuck fuck” under my breath before finally taking the plunge and trying not to yell out loud.
The thing is you can’t just dab it. you have to WIPE it; like more than once, and no one is there to tell you to do it - its just you, yourself, alone with a painful job. And when you get sick (which I was earlier this week, its been a really fun 7 days) you have to take theraflu and drink EVERY LAST DISGUSTING DROP, not because its good (it is poison), but because its good for you. Even if pain is inevitable. So yeah- I finally did it, I  gritted my teeth and swore and it really really hurt. And sure, I didn’t have to -but its just that I think I’m finally at the point in my life where I want to get better, completely and responsibly. For a lot of people this isn’t a milestone, but I never have been very good at taking care of myself, and never really have before. I’ve realized I have to do things and say things that really fucking hurt  because if I don’t the wounds will get infected, fester, and I’ll never  get better - or at the very least never really be the same. So even though it hurts like hell I feel ok.  I’ve learned a lot of lessons this week and hopefully everything will heal up just fine.

I haven’t been writing in this a lot lately. I’ve been busy with work, Halloween, and my obsessive insecurities; but this week thanks to my Day Quill and other nice things I’m back! and as per requested - here is a really embarrassing list of my top albums of 2009! Now I realize these all didn’t come out this year (or even last year), but I have a habit of listening to the same thing over and over again until I am so super exhausted by it I never listen to it again - so there tends to be a big gap. Here is what I’ve been into lately so DEAL.

1. Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavilion (what is up with that name?)

I think this would make a lot of people’s favorite list for 2009 and I totally get why. At first I wasn’t that into it, the synth and everything was actually kind of intimidating - but I gave it a few trys and it eventually blew my mind. I listened to this almost exclusively on my runs in New Zealand and it was the BEST BEST BEST soundtrack for my weird video game like runs where you get chased by horses (or think you do) and run through rain forests and the beach and pastures and crazy fucking landscapes at night and alone. so awesome.

2. Kayne West -808s & Heartbreak

For the record I think Kayne is a fucking dick that should learn a little modesty and what it means to be a  successful adult and the responsibilities that come with it- but his douchery doesn’t change the fact that “808s & Heartbreak” is fucking awesome. I haven’t read a lot about this album but  I perceive it to be about how his mom died suddenly and tragically and then his gf from high school who he went with for YEARS dumped him - sending him into the arms of an alien lesbian stripper that doesn’t care if he gets super drunk on Hennessy and embarrasses young woman performers and then ends up believing he is  GOD or some crazy shit like that. Am I rambling? The short story is I love the beats on this album and know the words to most of the, albeit melodramatic, songs and it is also super great to run to / dance to (in your apartment with your roommates cheering you on). I think, I think  street lights is my favorite track.

3. RadioHead - In Rainbows

I don’t want to say too much about this, because I can gush FOREVER about my FAVORITE band (they are the only ones who  I can say without a doubt that I have loved and listened to every album).  I once listened to In Rainbows 4 times in a row when I was trying to get home from a date/show in Park Slope at 2 in the morning and was really tired and had to take like 3 different trains and it was just . perfection. Every time I listen to this album I find new things I like about it, and whatever- I’m a fan ok?

4. Feist - The Reminder

Ok so don’t laugh - but I LOVE running to this album. I know its folkys synthy girly maybe even semi-boring music that overall I am not really that into, but its just that this is a really really good album. And not just that counting song either, the entire thing is fucking SOLID, and “How My Heart Behaves” has tear potential - which is lame of me but awesome of Feist.

5. Bad Business - I have no clue what the album title is, I think its self-titled - my bad.

Definitely not an album from the past year - but one that I rediscovered when I started a punk/hardcore retrospective after unpacking all my old cds when I moved to Greenpoint. The intro to the first song is like: dun ne ne ne nenene nenene and then a shotgun shot. SO GOOD - and the rest of the tracks follow in awesomeness. I mean - I never really even got that in to hardcore in the first place, and even when I can understand the lyrics I think they’re about being straightedge which to me is LAME -  but Bad Business does it right and the music is fast and hard - which is what I like in music…. and other things. Oh and I knew the bassist from college, he’s really cool.

OKOK - I know there should be a lot more on here, and its been a long year so I kind of forget everything that I’ve been listening to up to this point. (something about The Knife, TV on the Radio, etc..) so please bear (sp: like the animal?) in mind that I am no good at this.  Maybe a more correct title for this post would be: “Favorite Albums of the Last 6 Months” or  “Albums That I Can Remember Listening To In Their Entirety and More Than Once” or even “Sounds That I Listen To That Is Not Talk Radio” but that just isn’t as snappy, is it? I think its pretty obvious that since college my coolness has been in rapid decline and I’ve kind of dropped the ball in terms of being like really in to music like a lot of my peers are- but I DO like it and I DO listen to it…. just now in an  admittedly more of a while I’m here I might as well enjoy the ride (and dance along) kind of way. If you want I could make a books of 2009 list that would be really boring and detailed and probs 20 pages long - but I like you guys too much for that. I like you guys and I like Day Quill a lot.

Oh and I hope everyone had a great Halloween (I know I did).

Reasons Why I Hate Technology:

The feeling is mutual. If it hasn’t broken yet it is only a matter of time, and I am finding it increasingly difficult not to take this personally. On Wednesday I left my almost brand new cool looking adult cell phone on the table for a mere 2 minutes and  when I came back that was it -  it was all over.  I DIDN’T EVEN DROP IT I SWEAR, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS - IT MAKES NO SENSE. Now I am back to my busted baby’s first flip phone that cost 10 dollars and looks it.

I don’t speak the language. And not for lack of trying, but whenever I try to open my mouth about mega gigs or whatever it becomes pretty clear pretty quickly that I have no idea what I’m talking about. This is kind of  embarrassing because as a photographer all of these things are kind of MY LIVELIHOOD. I just can’t seem to pick it up.  Oh and I tried really hard to come up with a clever way to use “g’igga please”  without being offensive or corny;  impossible.

Its super hard to keep up. I know the second I get an I phone (I want one so hard!) something cooler and more badass is going to come out that I will covet FOR YEARS before I take the plunge and get that thing too… and then another even cooler thing will come out completing the cycle of disappointment and low self esteem.

It doesn’t mix well with Tequila - which is kind of a deal breaker for me. I cannot count how many times I have woken up and immediately been like “oh my god oh my god why the fuck did I send that” and dived back under my covers. I cannot be trusted, embarrassment is inevitable.

Its usually really realllllly expensive and really realllllly fragile. I am no swan if you get my drift and I would totally be cool with my phone breaking if I dropped it like I have done thousands of times in the past - but just sitting there? unacceptable. Anything that costs over $200 should be a the very least Andrea proof - and anything over $1,000 should be indestructable

I think this proves I was switched at birth with an Amish baby. On a farm somewhere in Pennsylvania or something there is someone really good at computers that doesn’t fly in to blind rages when the wheel an ox cart inexplicably breaks. Actually scratch that, I suck at that stuff too. I paper mached a horn for my halloween costume last nightand glue is EVERYWHERE. I am the murphy’s law of life.

Not to brag, but I am really, reallllllly good at being lazy. Like so good that if there was an Olympics for laziness I would win like, 50 gold medals or something. Even though maturity and responsibilities restrict my level of idleness;  I am and always will be a snuggle piggy at heart and some days I just revel in it. Like yesterday.

The highlights:
Roast Beef sub (I will never call it a hero) with pickles and mustard. 12 inches of heaven, which sounds dirty, but is so delicious
I finished adding work to my photo blog (andreadonadionz.tumblr.com) - which I guess can pass for being productive, but was canceled out by the huge blanket I wrapped around myself and the bag of chips that was within arms reach.
Shitty TV. I LOVE that show Greek, and I watch it every tuesday afternoon. It makes me want to go back to college and join a sorority and be super cute with my girl friends and girl enemies and have a lot of boy problems - not like the boy problems I have now -but awesome ones where it takes like 4 seasons after a series of misunderstandings and bad timing to FINALLY kiss your true love.  tween girl porn is SO GOOD
I finished Salem’s Lot - which is nothing to sneeze at considering I was only 250 pages deep into the 496 page monster (no pun intended!), but it was seriously impossible to put down- and it got kind of intense alone in my apartment on a dark and stormy night…reading by candle light. I have no idea why I try and scare the shit  out of myself more than a Stephen King novel can alone, the word masochism comes to mind.
Naps -  For the record you do NOT want to nap between the pages of a horror novel, but my bed is so so sooooo comfortable.
Did not work on my Halloween costume. Its going to be awesome but I keep putting it off. My room is so clean and glitter and glue and paper mache is going to be really messy. THURSDAY I PROMISE
Ran 7 miles okok not lazy, but it was really good and it was kind of misting out and the wind was blowing like, perfectly. Some days its easy, and it definitely was yesterday.
Spent 3 hours in a coffee shop drinking a bottomless cup of coffee. I got a free mini-pumpkin muffin, 3 bathroom breaks, and a reprieve from my scary apartment.
12 wings, 2 Guinness, 1 Amstel Light (the only cheap beer available at Habitat, ok?) - The perfect semi-drunk, definitely full, end to the perfect day.

Ok.

So it is not advisable to go see Spike Jonze’s Where the Wild Things Are alone. Or maybe you should go alone - just don’t go on a busy night and then have no option but to sit between 2 couples, among a sea of other couples, with no kleenex and nowhere to rest your elbows.
Suffice it to say, things got….weird.
For the record I don’t consider myself much of a crier, with one exception I have never felt comfortable showing emotions in front of others and find it very, very difficult to find the tears when appropriate. But that doesn’t mean I’m not a baby, I am in fact a huge baby- just one with deep seeded feelings of shame and adversity towards showing weakness (see: feelings) to others. Fucked up, right? That said, I cried basically the entire way through Where the Wild Things Are, and after it was over I went to the bathroom and cried some more. I mean definitely not my finest moment, but color me fucking affected- it takes A LOT (see: puppet tears) for me to lose my shit like this. It was just so- beautiful, and quiet, and moving, and I don’t know. It isn’t even much of a story; Where the Wild Things Are is a moving portrait of a child’s loneliness and the darkness that can surround a family; done with the perfect amount of humor and silence. While the book itself is a mere 48 pages (and indeed this movie is done with great respect to Maurice Sendak’s classic) that tells the story of a small boy learning to control his anger, the feature is stretched into a full hour and 41 minute journey following a small boy while he learns to control his reality and the hard truths that come with it. Where the Wild Things Are is packed with human emotion, but without the drama of adult perspective it is subtle and much more poignant. With its sparse dialogue, lush landscapes, and wonderful camera movement every piece of this movie felt perfect, and not only does it abandon the real world it penetrates it - showing Max as he learns that you can never truly leave behind the loneliness and solitude that encapsulate sadness, or the wild things that live there.
A+

Andrea’s Pet Peeves:

Talking on the subway. Ok I’m not crazy, you can talk - but only in the afternoon or evening. And only when you are not squeezed  up against another person with your mouth very close to their ear. Oh and only if you brushed your teeth. I don’t care if your german or whatever and I can’t understand a word you’re saying, take your cues from the other americans hating their commute around you and keep it the fuck shut. Also, if you do speak english and it is past 9am, please consider the content- we may be strangers; but not for long if we keep standing pregnancy close and you are spilling your secrets to your sweaty friend next to me. SHUDDER

When they fuck up my coffee. It’s not rocket science, and as an ex-barrista I expect you to get something as simple as coffee with cream and splenda (I know, whatever) right. You work at a very busy Dunkin Donuts at a very busy subway station and I know you’ve been working there for over a year because I recognize you, how do you not have this down by now?

When people tell me to smile. Maybe my mom just died or like I had dental surgery yesterday, neither of these things have happened but you don’t know that (things would be a lot easier if I could cry on cue and teach some lessons like they do on tv all the time). I mean sure, odds are I’m just tired and don’t want to be wherever I am (work, walking home from a bar, etc…) but as a man (and it is always a fucking penis who tells me this) maybe you should accept the fact that you are not at the center of my universe and therefor I will not smile for you if I don’t feel like it, and especially not upon request.

When people don’t squeeze the sponge dry after they do the dishes. Repeat offenders of this are my Dad and Caroline, I really don’t get why they don’t understand the importance of wringing it out after use. Seriously, I am not made of money and this can prolong said sponges life by WEEKS and ensures the next time I use it I won’t drop it immediately and squeal at how disgusting it is to touch an old, wet sponge. I actually do not mind doing the dishes, my hands like warm water and its usually only a few because I ALWAYS do mine right after use, but it is illogical to use a germy cess pool of rot to get things clean.

Toilet seat up. I may have kind of  fallen in once (or like sat on it and been like “what the fuck happened to the seat?!”). I was drunk and didn’t think to look down and I haven’t got over it, ok? Also I don’t like touching the lid -it has pee on it.

The sound of nail clippers. I can barely bring myself to clip my own nails because the noise is such hell to my ears. Once someone started clipping their nails on the subway and I almost lost it. HELLO THIS IS NOT YOUR PRIVATE BATHROOM THIS IS MY PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. If I ever kill someone it will be for doing dumb shit like this, I’d write more but I can’t even think about that sound without my skin crawling.

Bad service. I don’t like being waited on in the first place, it’s something I could do myself and really - who am I to have someone bring me my own food? So I like it fast and discreet, I don’t need to know where you are from or your name or have to answer similar asinine questions. But when you take forever, forget my silverware or drink, and above all else have the audacity to get embarrassed about it - my eyes turn red with rage. I mean its not a big deal but food is expensive and I’m hungry so please just give me all the tools to enjoy my meal in peace. Caroline gets really mad at me when I’m like steaming about this because she has solidarity or something because she used to be a waitress, but whatever - if your bad at your job and it affects my stomach I officially hate you.

Slow walkers. The E isn’t running uptown on the weekends, so after work I have to walk all the way to Bryant Park to catch the 7 and it is a NIGHTMARE. Seriously, try and walk down 5th ave on a Saturday evening and not get pissed. Just try it.  IT IS IMPOSSIBLE. STOP TAKING PICTURES  OF THE BUILDINGS, OF EACH OTHER- I HATE YOUR STUPID FANNY PACK OH MY GOD JUST HURRY IT THE FUCK UP I WANT TO GO HOME NOT LOOK AT ST PATRICKS CATHEDRAL OR THE SPARKLY EXPENSIVE WINDOW DISPLAYS. To be fair I don’t think this would drive me as crazy if my job wasn’t answering tourists (dumb) questions all day and having to be super excited they’re on vacation in the best city in the world!!!!! Just let me get to where you are not, please.

When a bar doesn’t have bud light or pbr or a really cheap awesome beer like coors. What the fuck is this nonsense? Cheap beer should be ubiquitous and I fucking loath Amstel Light, it is not good and I am not a middle aged dad ok? I am a young woman trying not to gain 50 lbs with her drinking habit, and I want to be refreshed without having to switch to vodka sodas or some other diet girl drink that is like 2 sips and costs a fortune. Also in that vein; if said cheap beer cost over 3 dollars you belong in jail for robbery.

This could go on and on, but I think I should quit while I’m ahead. But at least now you all have written proof that I am a huge bitch.